Josh Freed: Let’s make the Huge Owe a smash of our personal

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Welcome to a different season of The Olympic Stadium Sinkhole Saga, Season 37, Episode 9999: The longest-playing, most costly cleaning soap opera in Quebec and maybe the world.

Even historic Rome’s Colosseum took lower than 10 years to finish, however we’re nonetheless at it 48 years later.

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As longtime Montreal viewers know, it’s been a catastrophe collection like no different, stuffed with wild goals, dashed hopes, hubris, heartbreak and freight vans’ value of cash.

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But virtually each season of our Stadium Saga has the identical conclusion: “Let’s repair it once more, with Quebecers paying the invoice.”

Nevertheless, I’ve a plan to vary the plotline, perhaps even the ending, so keep tuned! However first, right here’s the place the story’s at now:

As soon as once more, the villain on this season’s storyline is The Roof That Goofed, a brutalist-looking, money-eating parasite that’s leaked, cracked, crumbled and collapsed for many years. Now it’s on one other literal “tear,” with an estimated 20,000 holes (who counts them, anyway?) — extra Swiss cheese than stadium.

Quebec says it’ll value $870 million to switch the roof once more, however anticipate that determine to multiply by 2.2 — our province’s normal value overrun issue.

Supposedly it is going to be accomplished in 4 years, however a more true estimate got here in a La Presse cartoon, displaying a grey-haired Taylor Swift arriving for the roof’s inauguration utilizing a walker.

No matter occurs, the Huge Owe won’t ever make for excellent viewing. The sound system sucks and the sight traces are virtually out of sight due to its immensity. It’s an unlimited, desolate factor that solely survives as a result of nobody is aware of what else to do with it.

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The federal government claims it might value a staggering $2 billion to demolish. So now we have to re-repair it, largely as a result of we are able to’t afford to tear it down. (FYI: Different North American stadiums have come down for beneath $80 million.)

We have to discover one other objective for our concrete white elephant whereas leaving it simply as it’s, so we are able to afford to construct a brand new stadium. However what can we do with our decaying Olympic smash?

Concern not: I’ve an excellent plan.

Many politicians, like Montreal Mayor Valérie Plante, really feel we shouldn’t demolish the tower as a result of it’s a metropolis image, even when it symbolizes failure.

However I say let’s seize that image and have a good time it for what it’s — a monumental mistake.

Let’s flip the Huge O right into a “Museum of Failure,” chronicling one of many century’s nice development screwups. Think about the thrilling displays:

The development disaster room: Over the many years, the stadium has seen fires, numerous roof rips inflicting mass evacuations, big slabs of collapsing concrete and a roof cave-in that injured individuals throughout an auto present.

It’s a jaw-dropping, concrete-dropping story, proper out of a cursed medieval fortress.

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The stadium hasn’t killed anybody but, however it did assist kill the Expos and chase the Alouettes off to Molson Stadium. So why not give it an opportunity to kill once more?

The ballooning price range room: It’s been referred to as our billion-dollar child, however we underestimate the Huge Owe’s actual worth. Six years in the past, the Olympic installations board calculated the true total value as $1.7 billion, or $5.2 billion in 2018 {dollars}.

Plante might have the métro’s Pink Line line with that cash, or Quebec Premier François Legault might blow it on a tunnel.

Specialists say we might construct a regular, new twenty first century stadium for a mere $1.5 billion, cheaper than tearing ours down.

The corruption chamber: This exhibit might begin by displaying the unique $134-million estimate. It might finish with the Charbonneau corruption fee and the colorful scandals it unearthed.

Alleged kickbacks to the Mafia and the mayor’s get together. A personality nicknamed “Mr. Three Per Cent”  as a result of he took bribes of … three per cent. Additionally “Monsieur GST,” who charged one other 0.5 per cent “tax.”

The truth is, the Olympics have been tainted by scandal since Philip of Macedon was rumoured to have paid officers three harlots and 5 goats to win the 500-metre chariot race in historic Greece.

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So this room would even be a testomony to Olympic custom.

Total, I believe an Olympic Museum of Failure could possibly be a well-liked international attraction, rivalling different famed ruins, like Pompeii and the Parthenon.

However whereas these are historic, outdated ruins, ours could be the primary main modern-day smash.

We might heighten vacationer pleasure by requiring guests to put on security helmets and take out adventure-tour insurance coverage.

In equity, there’s a smaller Museum of Failure in Sweden that shows failed concepts that “bombed boldly,” like Basic Coke and Heinz inexperienced ketchup.

Maybe we might embody an analogous exhibit right here, too, with different well-known failures, from limeade-flavoured Oreo cookies to Colgate frozen beef lasagna and spray-on condoms (sincere).

However in contrast to Sweden, these mini-screwups could be housed in our vastly extra spectacular Olympic-sized failure.

I imagine a lot of the rationale Quebec governments hold fixing the stadium is they will’t bear the embarrassment of tearing it down and admitting it failed, even when it failed magnificently.

However I say let’s embrace that failure and switch it into one thing we are able to lastly take satisfaction in: “The Montreal Museum of Magnificent Failure.”

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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