So we come to the top of one other yr of Auspol nausea, and as ever, Crikey is dedicated to creating you earn your Christmas break by reliving all of its dumbest moments. It wasn’t fairly the embarrassment of embarrassments, with the ALP favouring extra of a “quiet disappointment” vibe over blaring nice disaster. Nonetheless, there was lots for the cooked politics gourmand to savour.
Pauline Hanson had knits
Hanson has been unable to dominate the information cycle as she as soon as did, with the right-wing argument in opposition to an Indigenous Voice to Parliament dominated by others this yr. Nonetheless, she did her greatest to make use of the lawsuit launched in opposition to her by Greens Senator Mehreen Faruqi to get a little bit of consideration and, inevitably, as a fundraiser. One Nation has at all times flogged all method of tat to fill the coffers, however it went in a much less predictable path this yr, promoting dayglo knitwear that Pauline herself apparently made (and fashions on the web site) and which appears to be like prefer it leaves stains extra persistent than turmeric on any floor it encounters.
Rolling out the literal pork-barrel
Proving he might be each bit as off-key as any of his conservative predecessors, Agriculture Minister Murray Watt introduced a coverage to fight a number of the pressure of the continuing cost-of-living disaster. Was it a lease freeze? Extra measures to fight company profit-fuelled inflation? Heavens no! Watt issued a “stern warning” to the massive grocery shops to make Christmas ham cheaper. Effectively, no more costly. You realize, for a bit.
Nonetheless, given what we’ve got to work with, the truth that his workplace certainly noticed the potential for “Labor helps ham-mas” references and went forward with it anyway counts as some form of coverage bravery.
Van damned
When a politician will get caught out being faintly thirsty on Instagram and it doesn’t have an effect on his status in any respect, you understand that politician has had a shit of a yr. Behold the saga of former Liberal Senator David Van; he briefly got here to our discover in 2021 by being compelled to disclaim that he had made “growling canine noises” at impartial Senator Jacqui Lambie whereas she was addressing the Senate.
This yr, making an attempt to progress the narrative that it was the ALP and never the Liberals’ dealing with of the Brittany Higgins saga that was partisan and disrespectful (keep in mind that entire factor?), Van turned the Sam Kerr of personal targets. Unbiased Senator Lidia Thorpe responded to his line of questions by accusing him of sexual assault. Van immediately denied it. Thorpe, having withdrawn her allegation alongside procedural Senate strains slightly than as a backdown on its alleged substance, went into higher element.
The Australian acquired some background that Van’s workplace had certainly been moved away from Thorpe’s following a grievance. By noon, Van had been expelled by the partyroom. He gave one other denial within the Senate that afternoon. Worse was but to come back for him, with former Liberal Celebration senator Amanda Stoker placing out an announcement that alleged Van “inappropriately touched” her by “squeezing [her] backside twice” in November 2020 and “by its nature and by its repetition, it was not unintended”.
The subsequent day Dutton mentioned he’d acquired a 3rd grievance, and referred to as on Van to resign, whereas The Australian ran a entrance web page describing Van’s alleged status as a “groper” as an “open secret“. Van, now on the crossbench and one thing of a legislative kingmaker (as a result of politics!), continues to disclaim any wrongdoing.
Confrontation
In fact, most years you could possibly fill a bit of this kind solely with crooked mayors and dysfunctional councils, a dependable supply of really bananas politics. Our favorite such incident was the alleged fallout of a Cumberland Council annual finances weekend planning session in February.
Councillor Paul Garrard, sooner or later, determined to recite Banjo Paterson’s poem “The Man from Ironbark” when he alleges Labor Councillor Mohamad Hussein advised him a number of instances to “Shut the fuck up” and “Sit the fuck down”, earlier than allegedly seeing if Garrard and fellow Councillor Steve Christou (himself a “vibrant character”) wished to take issues exterior. Hussein, by means of his lawyer, has denied the allegations.
Honourable mentions
Labor Senator for Tasmania Helen Polley’s terrifying methodology for cooking eggs, Lyle Shelton proving the lies of the rainbow mafia with the Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf-like joyless marriage of two male penguins, Barnaby Joyce proving as soon as once more that politicians can’t work televisions, and the Matildas being knocked out of this yr’s World Cup after a squad-wide bout of cringe-related accidents due to our political class.